Insaniae Fervidus
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: The war? A horrible thing, but at least we felt real then. In a stale world without you, uncontrolled desires run loose and corrupt into something more deadly...say, delirium?
1. Portio Primoris

_Here comes ANOTHER oneshot-turned-into-twoshots-because-it-was-way-too-long. _

_This is a Yzak/Shiho fic, but major OOC ness involved. It's like an angst fic that turned into romance and back to angst with a hint of insanity..._

_I re-uploaded this chapter, because this site seemed to have dropped some parts when I updated it last time. Hopefully they don't do it this time..._

_Disclaimer: I do not own. Definition of fanfiction._

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_Whatever sanity that existed in our world had completely dissipated with the war._

xoxox

"What a beautiful dress that is!"

If only I could shove burning coal down these two-faced, flattering airheads' throats, without any consequences on my side. If only I could step on the thick skull with the stilettos …which are killing my feet, btw, but such trivial facts must be ignored for the greater good of human beings, which somehow mean me looking like a delicate, good-for-nothing, innocent maiden… in hopes that _some_thing would finally get through their thick skull.

"And that hair! I've always envied how pretty your hair looks…"

If only I could tear off a part of this excessively frilly dress, and stick it in their mouth to block the unwanted noise, which would be a much more meaningful use of all this fabric that is enough to cloth half a dozen adults. If only I could pull out a few strands of their fake-blonde hair to strangle them. If only…

"Miss Hahnenfuss, you don't look well…"

If only I could breathe through the thick mask of make-up. If only I could still lift my arm with such a heavy armor of, say, _lies_?

"My, have you been sleeping well lately?"

If only I could be something other than a thin entity woven out entirely of falsehood.

"Miss Hahnenfuss? Are you even listening to us?"  
"…Oh. Yes."  
_Actually, no. I was too busy envisioning myself killing you_.

If only I knew where all this anger and violence was coming from.

If only I was aboard the Voltaire again, where I could be true to myself. Where people judged me for what I was capable of, not what my family name was. Where I could do other things than hollow gossip and comparing outfits.

"Look, there is Mister Joule!"  
"My, does he look dashing."  
"I heard that he is such a gentleman…"  
_Like any of you actually know anything about my commander._

If only I could stand beside Yzak Joule again, the only person who ever tried to see anything from my point of view.

If only I could convince myself to stop glancing in his direction, a deep yearning flooding me every time I thought I caught his eye.

xoxox

"That is a nice watch you are wearing."

If only I could drill my fist into that flimsy face portraying nothing but greed and dullness. If only I could pick up the nearest chair and to hurl it at every single male my age within the walls of this hall …but of course, I must not harm them because they are related to the most important personnel in the entire world and my good impression on them is much more valuable than my non-existent mental health.

"Didn't you get a new car lately?"

If only I could take out my trustworthy gun and make a few vents on their otherwise overheated brains, if there were any inside what seems to be a head. If only I could grab the cigarettes they are smoking and relocating them to their eye sockets. If only…

"Mister Joule? Anything on your part?"

If only I could breathe through the thick fog of cigarette smoke and expensive perfume. If only I could still lift my arm with such a heavy armor of, say, _lies_?

"We haven't heard from you in a long while."

If only I could be something other than a gold-plated slab spread a tad too thin.

"Mister Joule? Are you even listening to us?"  
"…Oh, yes."  
_Good thing I'm insane already, or I could've sued you for harming my soundness of mind._

If only I knew where all this sarcasm and cynicism were coming from.

If only I was aboard the Voltaire again, where I could be true to myself. Where people treated me like any other insignificant person, without fake humility for my family name. Where I did not have to pretend like I was even interested in anything everyone else seemed to be.

"Look, there is Miss Hahnenfuss!"  
"She looks utterly stunning."  
"I heard she is a very charming person…"  
_Like any of you actually know anything about my subordinate_.

If only I could stand beside Shiho Hahnenfuss again, the only person who would have looked at me twice without telling them who my mother was.

If only I could convince myself to stop glancing in her direction, uncontrollable desire running through me whenever I though I caught her eye.

xoxox

The noise of her 'friends' (i.e. the daughters of her parents' political allies) gossiping about the most desirable bachelor in the entire ball (i.e. Yzak Joule) barely reached Shiho. Everything was so empty…so meaningless, ever since she got back from the war. All the sweet talk and pretty appearances, and the dirty politics hidden under all of that seemed so hollow. Nobody around her shared her apathy, however. She was the only one among her 'friends' who enlisted.

From time to time, she would find herself on board her battle ship with her trustworthy commander and comrades, in a daydream she could only wish was true. Every time she was so cruelly brought back to life by things she could not care less about; did it really matter that the girl halfway across the room was wearing a shade of pink that clashed with her hair?

Nothing felt right. The richest food the cooks had to offer had no taste. The most inviting pillows brought her no sleep. Whenever the situation allowed her, she would be lost within herself, yearning, yearning, yearning.

For the tension. Action. Acceptance.  
But most of all, the unfeigned, passionate, occasionally overly-aggressive, Yzak Joule.

Not too far from Shiho, Yzak was trying desperately to keep her out of his mind without avail. The fellow children of some politicians talking about Shiho the way they were doing normally would have enraged him beyond words, but her existence in the same space as him was too much of a distraction. Everything was so bland ever since he got back from the second war. After the first war, he was too caught up with his mother's house arrest and his own trial to even feel that way. But after the second war, when he had no more personal trouble to deal with, everything suddenly lost color.

From time to time, he would find himself thinking about a certain brunette who had nicked his heart right under his nose, without him even noticing until then. Her beautiful smile would not let him go, no matter how hard he tried. Not that he did; he was in no hurry to tear himself away from something he ached so much to have close.

Nothing felt right. He involuntarily had distanced himself from his old comrades. Aside from fulfilling his most basic duties, he could not bring himself to do anything at all. He would be lost, yearning, yearning, yearning.

For passion. Truth. Acceptance.  
But most of all, the calm but painfully real and truthful, Shiho Hahnenfuss.

They were both turning insane, and they knew it only too well.

If only the war did not cause their fateful encounter, so they did not have to endure such an agonizing parting.

xoxox

"_Lacus Clyne, newly appointed chairwoman of the PLANTS, will fly to Orb tomorrow for the signing of…"_

_The TV monitor in the recreation room droned monotonously in the background, while Shiho was talking with Dearka about their future plans._

"_So you're quitting ZAFT?"  
__She nodded, fiddling with the hem of her uniform. After the abrupt ceasefire, talking to her fellow soldiers had become more awkward. The politics they had left behind started to seep into their lives again through cracks caused by eased tension._

"_I don't have a choice. My parents are more than anxious to marry me off to some rich bastard. My serving in the army is nothing but a huge obstacle in their way."  
_"_That really sucks…but then again, that's what most of us end up doing…"  
_"_How about you? Are you staying?"  
_"_Probably. Although…"  
_"_Although?"  
_"…_I wanna see how Miriallia is doing."_

_Shiho looked up, only to see an uncharacteristically serious look on Dearka. She had heard about the Dearka's natural ex-girlfriend …Miriallia Haww… countless times. She wondered what a girl Miriallia must have been to make this reckless womanizer lovesick._

_She thought for Yzak a split second, before she forced him out of her mind._

"_I hope she didn't get herself another boyfriend."  
_"…_Aw, Shiho, way to be encouraging."  
_"_You know I'm just joking."  
__They both burst out laughing so hard they did not even notice the room quiet and empty at the entrance of a certain individual._

"_Major Elsman, Major Hahnenfuss…"  
__Their brief moment of frivolity was cut off by a stern voice. They looked to the entrance, and was surprised beyond words to see who it came from.  
_"_Yzak!"  
__Dearka exclaimed, while Shiho rose to her feet and saluted her commander. She almost grinned at Yzak's grimace at Dearka's remark.  
_"_Major Elsman,, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Commander Joule when we're working?"  
_"_Apparently not enough yet."  
__Yzak sighed, and sat down at the table with them._

"_You know you may sit down, Major Hahnenfuss."  
__Yzak said, and she just then realized she had been holding the salute the entire time. She sat down obediently.  
_"_And what does our commander want to share with us?"  
__Dearka said jokingly, although his eyes betrayed him. The three had long been on first-name terms, being the higher ranking officers on the ship. It was unusual that Yzak was addressing them formally when they were alone._

"_I was appointed as an official member of the Supreme Council under Chairwoman Clyne."  
__Dearka whistled, and Shiho just blinked.  
_"_This means I no longer will be on the first line. The Joule Team will be disbanded, and Voltaire will either be disposed or passed on to another team."  
_"…_Commander……"  
__Shiho looked at Yzak with a pained gaze. That meant that no matter what, she no longer had a place beside her respected commander…right?_

_Wrong._

"_I also have been appointed the chief bodyguard for the Chairwoman. This means I could draft my capable subordinates to continue working under me, as bodyguards for Chairwoman Clyne. If they assent, of course."  
_"…_Us?"  
__Yzak nodded, looking expectantly at the two. Dearka paused for a moment, then shrugged, but not before glancing at Shiho. She on the other hand clutched her fist tightly, unable to raise her gaze to meet with Yzak's._

"_Well, Major Hahnenfuss…"  
__Was it just her, or was there some sort of nervousness on his part too? Was it just her, or did he seem to sincerely want her on his new team?  
_"……_I.."  
_"…_Shiho?"  
__Her face burned when Yzak called her by her first name, but that was not powerful enough to release her from her bonds.  
_"_I'm sorry, Commander Joule, but I plan to discharge as soon as possible. As much as I would like to, I cannot continue working under you."  
_"…_I see."  
__Was it just her, or was there a deep disappointment in his voice? Did she let him down, unable to meet the requirements for a good subordinate?_

_If so, how could she, not sufficient enough to be a subordinate, ever hope to be something more than that…a yearning that had been growing in her heart for too long now?_

_If only she had raised her gaze from her clenched fists to Yzak, she might have noticed he was expressing something very different from disappointment…and have gotten a clue._

_Instead, she stood up and quickly excused herself from the space which had become too awkward to even breathe in._

"_Yzak…"  
__Dearka worriedly looked at his best friend as soon as he was sure Shiho was out of earshot.  
_"……_What?"  
_"_You like her, don't you?"  
__Instead of sputtering and violently denying it, as Yzak normally should have done, he merely returned silence.  
_"_Come on, I'm not _that_ clueless."  
_"…_What then if I did?"  
__Dearka cocked his eyebrow. The two had grown up together, but it was the first time he ever saw his best friend so…apathetic._

"_Geez, cheer up! It's not like you'll never see her again."  
_"_Oh really? Name one possible place we'd see each other again."  
_"…_At some rich guy's birthday party?"  
_"_No."  
_"_Yes. You both are politicians' children, and…"  
_"_Fine. I'll see her, but I won't be able to talk to her."  
_"_Why not?"  
_"_It will harm her reputation. You know how unmarried women should not mingle with unmarried men?"_

_Dearka could not say anything to that. As much as the society and technology had advanced so far that they were now living in _space_, for god's sake, the traditions and mannerisms in court still existed within their selected aristocracy. For them, the world was as rigid and uncomfortable as the Middle Ages._

"…_I suppose she doesn't care much."  
_"_Yzak?"  
__Yzak stood up and left the room before Dearka had a chance to clear up the obvious misunderstanding between the two._

_And since that day, till the day until the Joule team was finally disbanded, Shiho and Yzak never talked. The last words uttered between them was the formal salutation between a superior about to be promoted and a subordinate who was going to discharge._

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On to part 2..._


	2. Portio Altera

_If you haven't read the replaced first chapter, I would like to ask you to do that first... Apparently, they dropped the first line and last paragraph of the first chapter when I uploaded it the first time... Thanks..._

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xoxox 

"Oh, my cousin is there! Would you come with me to talk to her for a while?"  
One of the fake blondes tugged on Shiho's dress, and pointed to the other side of the room. She looked at where the girl was pointing, and saw not her cousin but a silver head which was in the same direction.  
"Miss Hahnenfuss?"  
"Oh…yes, of course."  
She nodded hastily, and hesitantly followed the other girl, closer to Yzak.

"Hey, is that Miss Hahnenfuss coming here?"  
"Hmm… Oh, I suppose it's Miss Leitner's cousin…"  
Yzak jerked his gaze up, momentarily stunned by the fact that Shiho would even come close to him. He forced himself to look away, however, before he did anything to shame Shiho, or himself, or both.

"Was Mister Joule looking at us?"  
An excited whisper from the girl almost froze Shiho to the spot. The girl did not notice the subtle reaction, and continued walking in that direction without an ounce of thought. Shiho, on the other hand, felt her steps getting considerably heavier. She was scared of getting any closer to Yzak…that she might do something unceremonious to humiliate them both, because of her feelings that had been locked away for too long.

When they came in arms distance from each other, they both closed their eyes tightly, praying for this moment to pass by as fast as possible…and at the same time to last forever. It was almost as if they were being choked by their insatiable desires, dooming themselves, drowning in a long-gone ghost of what could have been but never was.

A metal clinking against the hard marble floor forced Yzak to open his eyes again. He saw a silver object in the pathway that Shiho had just taken and picked it up. It was a military dog tag, one of which he too was wearing under his stiff suit. He almost dropped it again, however, when he saw the name engraved on it. He clenched the dog tag in his hand, and before any of the faceless rascals could say anything, he followed in Shiho's footsteps.

"Miss Hahnenfuss, I believe this is yours."  
Shivers went down Shiho's spine at the voice that was all-too-familiar. She turned around slowly, ignoring the other girl's flushed cheeks.  
"Yz… Mister Joule…"  
He slowly slipped the chain over her head, his heartbeat becoming louder at every passing second. She mumbled a soft thank you, looking down so his ice blue eyes would not freeze her to death. They stood there in awkward silence for a while, unable to talk or to leave.

Soft music started to play in the background, and they were brought out of their bubble by the flurry of couples filling up the dance floor.  
"……May I have this dance?"  
Yzak asked tentatively, unable to resist the gush of emotions that was threatening to explode. Shiho nodded, and they joined the countless couples.

"I see you have kept your identification tag."  
Yzak said, noticing how delicately built Shiho actually was. Such small details were unnoticeable over the military uniforms. She was wearing light make up, which he had never seen before too. Her slightly colored lips moved entrancingly as she responded.

"…It reminds me that I am not a plastic doll, Commander."  
Shiho tried to answer steadily with even a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but she was trembling inside. He was there, right in front of her, so _close_ to her, and yet she could not have reached him if she tried. His silver hair was tied back in a ponytail, with just a strand covering his piercing eyes.

"You sound almost as though you miss the days in ZAFT."  
_A return dose of sarcasm.  
_"I do. Anything to feel alive."  
_A sincere surprise there_.  
"…But weren't you eager to quit……?"  
"Me? I would have served for life if only circumstances allowed."  
"……Shiho…"  
"Although I do not think I could have continued working under you, being the incapable subordinate I am."  
"You? Incapable? I never said such a thing."  
"But you sounded so disappointed at me when I told you I was going to discharge."  
"I _was_ disappointed."  
"See…"  
"But not _at_ you. I thought at least _you_ would stay with me. I…"

The music suddenly picked up its tempo, and a couple dancing beside them knocked Shiho a little closer to Yzak. A little too close for comfort. Then those words that he had held back for so long …_too_ long to ever be healthy… fell from mouth with the velocity of the moment.

"I love you."

"Yzak…"  
"I love you, Shiho. More than anything in the world."  
Yzak tightened his arm on Shiho's shoulder, scared that she would disappear because of what he just said. Instead, she whispered into his ear.  
"………I love you too."  
"Shiho…"  
"You have no idea how much time I spend every day thinking about Voltaire, about my comrades…about _you_. How long I wished I was back there again, where I had a place beside you…"  
"You still do."

They moved closer to each other until they felt each other's temperature on their skin. Scandalously close…enough to feel the other breathing, heart thumping, _living_.

The stared feverishly at each other. They were lost in their own world, where former misunderstandings and complications had melted instantaneously.

xoxox

_Rather than a thousand words of love  
__All I need is for you to be there  
__Nobody could ever replace you  
__Your smile will be my light for tomorrow  
__To the sun in the sky…_

_Among the limited meetings we have  
__A bond between us, pulling us together  
__Through dark nights and stormy days  
__You were my only truth_

_Rather than a thousand songs of love  
__All I need is your warmth  
__The kindness caught through pain  
__Will be changed into love  
__A shining vow in our hearts…_

xoxox

As the music crescendoed into a passionate flurry of whirling colors, Yzak held Shiho firmly by the waist and lowered his face to hers.  
"I love you."  
He whispered ardently before they locked their lips in an impassioned kiss. Ignoring the gasps and horrified stares at their brazen actions, they stood there in each other's arms until the music died out to a complete silence.

"Miss Hahnenfuss!"  
"Mister Joule!"  
Horrified screams came from somewhere in the room, at which they finally let the kiss die out too. They had done something that was considered a huge taboo in their world, but it hardly mattered. They were somehow starting to feel reality again, and as long as they stood together, they felt nothing could ever bring them down.

"What now, then?"  
Shiho looked up to Yzak, a daring smile tugging at her mouth. Yzak returned a similar smile, and said in a mismatching solemn voice.  
"I was thinking of going to Orb, as Dearka's wedding will take place there."  
"Wedding? Dearka?"  
Shiho asked, surprised beyond words. Yzak looked at her incredulously. Yes, this was it. Her trustworthy, compassionate, but occasionally sarcastic commander. Hers.  
"Haven't you been checking the mail lately? He sent us all invitations a month ago."  
Shiho laughed guiltily; she had not, to be truthful, checked her mailbox since she got back from ZAFT.  
"So he finally figured out things with Miriallia, I suppose."  
"About time. He's been moping around about her way too long."

The stares and glares were starting to hurt. Physically.

"Then…shall we, my lady?"  
Yzak said as he held out his arm for Shiho to take. She saw a faint blush around his ears, but she took his arm without a word about it.  
"My pleasure."  
They exited the great ballroom through a hostile silence, arm in arm and a smile on their faces.

xoxox

_Whatever sanity that existed in our world had completely dissipated with the war._

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_The random excerpt in the middle is from "Destiny Taiyou no Hana" by Hitomi Shimatani. I believe it was the opening or ending for Black Jack? I don't know... Anyways, it was this song that inspired me to write this fanfic. It's a beautiful song; if you haven't heard it yet, I suggest you find it somehow. It's worth it._

_Before you flame at me, asking what the hell I was thinking when I was writing this, let me tell you one thing.  
__I, myself, have no idea what the heck it's all about either. No, I was not on drugs, but I didn't really think logically when I was writing it. Let's just say you should look for the bigger picture here... (insert nervous laughter)_

_BTW, I'm sorry for the delayed upload. It wasn't until I got on the plane to Japan that I realized I had no access to the internet whatsoever...Now I'm back. Yeah._

_Oh, and of course, THANK YOU to all readers and reviewers, you just make my day._

_The theme was ardent love to the point of insanity. Or something along those lines..._

_Yes, I am still working on "If I could say I love you...". I just need to get a cooling pad for my laptop first..._


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